Roller Coaster Time: Going Up.

The next day Thor and I decided that this off and on stuff was just too much and we needed to spend that day together, and Mads wanted to spend the day with his grandparents.  We had a great day together, doing things we never had the chance to do together.  We both joined everyone for dinner that night, and got the silent treatment, from everyone there; even Mads seemed to be silent.  As I said before I could feel the tension, now it wasn’t just a feeling and it was real.  Our vacation winding down we had an easy night, even met up with a nice couple we met for a little while then back to the room, with Mads, Thor and I just cuddling. 

The last day was spent together with family off and on however the silent treatment continued.  I had decided that what Thor and I needed to do: avoid everyone at dinner and fend for ourselves for the night.  At this time we knew that we actually had the cash to pay for everything and did not need their credit card after all that it would not be charged.  My father always seemed to get really stressed about money (and he seemed to be the most stressed of everyone), so I thought that if Thor could tell him that we would be ok and didn’t need his money; everything would be ok. 

On Vacation

Here we all were on vacation.  Thor and I were trying to work things out and the first and second days of the vacation was just wonderful.  The third day started in arguments that lead us to spending the day heartbreakingly apart.  The third day was on the rocks between us as well and it was so difficult at this point being a wife, family member, and mom.  I felt so in between everyone, trying to fix my husband, trying to spend this time with Mads, and seeing family that I did not see much.  Things just started to feel as though they were spiraling out of control (I even had a dream that we were stuck in a water funnel going down.)  The day came that we were all looking forward to having together.   Thor and I spent the night before off and on, started out good then ended out of control.  I went and put in the ok that we all would be joining the family the next day thinking that we could all just hang out and do our own things while we were together.  It began very early and with the night we had previous we woke up still buzzed from the almost all night party we attended.  My mom knew it, and turned to us as we were walking into the place where we were spending out day, she said to us between grit teeth, “I better not see a drop of alcohol hit either of your lips today.”(I felt like a kid again at that point)   Ironically a minute later the resort we were visiting was offering us free alcohol filled punch as we entered.  The statement enraged Thor who felt like she just stuck her nose where it was none of her business and that caused bitterness and direct separation from the family.  We left early, and Mads stayed behind with the rest of the family.  When we got back to our room we just cuddled and got some much needed rest in each other’s arms.  I was so upset that the day turned out like that, but it did.  I woke up to join everyone for dinner and felt it would be best to keep Thor asleep and bring him back a plate.  He was in no frame of mind to spend time with my family at that time.   Mads and I had some fun together, then I spent time with some other family members. 



Problems on the Horizon

Here we were in New England again.  We started things off right, owning our dream house, in our dream location.  As I said before Thor had to leave a career behind in Mid Atlantic and our one difficulty being in New England was financial problems from Thor’s inability to continue with his career path.  He got miscellaneous jobs here and there.  Seasonal employment and odd jobs was all that really existed in our new resort community; that put a strain on our relationship.  Taking on a new (pretty substantial) mortgage; nursing was good to us, and I am so thankful that I took on that career path.  It still was not enough for the three of us and next thing you know when you have financial difficulties, you have arguments.  We were living paycheck to paycheck, unknown if Thor would have a paycheck.  Mads would invert even more into his room and causing ruckus at school.  John and I still having a good relationship, started to toy around with the notion of Mads moving in with him.  At that time I had taken on a weekend Baylor nursing job (for those of you that don’t know, weekend Baylor nursing jobs consist of just working weekends and getting paid and benefits for full time work) so John and I started talking about a more joint custody with Mads, I had offered for him to have every weekend with him, we would split holidays as agreeable.  The result was John taking Mads 3 weekends a month and we split holidays (which he would mostly have). 

Our financial difficulties came to a breaking point of sorts when we were given a gift of family vacation by my parents.  They bought the rooming and flights meaning we were taking on the rest.  Thor and I were having lots of arguments around the house from stress from the extra financial burden.  A part of me just wanted to call it quits on the vacation until I had confided in my parents my stresses (at the time Thor and I were on the verge of separation) and asked if I could use their credit card to put money down on the vacation and would pay them back, and they agreed.  This turned out to be a really bad decision though.  Thor and I decided just before the vacation that we would use that time to work on each other, I had again entrusted this information to my parents.  I had no idea that my trusting them and needing to talk was just boiling inside both parents (they seemed to love Thor and hate him all at once, which was true for all the relationships I have ever had.)  I was always close with my Mom, and I am the kind of person that feels that if I can’t be honest about something I am doing something wrong.  It would be normal to have difficulties in your relationship when other stressors are present.  I think my parents saw it as a way to come between us and get me back so to speak.  They hated that we moved away with their grandson, and that I was away.  So this happened a day before leaving on vacation. 

We got to the vacation and started off pretty good.  Oh man though, I can’t believe the tension that I could feel in the air.  I felt tension from Thor because he was embarrassed that I shared the fact that we were having difficulties, with my parents and now stuck with them. Thor felt it from my parents, as they felt he wasn’t trying hard enough as a man.   I even noticed it from my parents because I was trying to work things out with Thor, and they felt I would be better off without him.  Luckily, Mads was doing great seeing everyone having fun, he went from room to room, he was just happy.  I know he could feel some tension but that didn’t stop him.

As I mention previous I did not feel comfortable with identity here so I am trying to get my point across without being too specific.  This vacation was where everything went sour.  It will be a difficult and emotional topic for me, so I will end this post here.  I really have to think about how I will approach and word this subject.  I will not change important details and story is and will continue to be true, just changing names of those involved, and leaving out details only if it would compromise identity.  Thanks for understanding and reading J

Getting Remarried

Thanks to all again.  I hope I am displaying proper etiquette here in saying thanks.  Please feel free to ask me questions or email me (I am not the best with checking my email however I will get better if response increases) :)

The one thing Thor and I did accomplish while we were in Mid Atlantic was getting married.  We eloped in Vegas.  It was my second marriage, the first was done all right (something borrowed something blue, old, new, didn’t see each other prior, the whole nine yards) still ended in divorce.  We were going to invite our best friends along.  Before we knew it Thor’s best friends’ girl started with these demands she had for this and we quickly put an end to that.  I didn’t even ask my bestie.  We decided to tell our families we were going there to get married, but it was just me and him.  I had a dress that made me feel so sexy and Thor looked so handsome.  We had a great time.  Our decision not to bring anyone was confirmed to be the best decision when we got to the chapel, and the wife to be waiting behind us was practically in tears over arguments with the party present.  Whew, what a great decision for us.

Mads started turning pre-teen age and was starting to become defiant towards me and Thor.  He started inverting into his room with constant video games and computer time.  Here we were with over 5 acres of forest and caves and a whole bunch of interesting surroundings and all Mads wanted to do was stay inside.  He started hating going to the mountain with us, growing closer and identifying more with his father than us.  We toyed with the notion of him moving in with his dad but at that time I just could not fathom giving him up and living without him.  Mads who is a very smart kid did not excel in school due to attention issues.  We struggled with that.  It seemed when we took away the video games he would excel.  When we moved back to New England we based our house buying (which we bought a large home) and neighborhood for school as Mads had always shown an interest in going to a great college like MIT or something along those lines.  I just couldn’t give him up. 

Ok, well I am going to end here for today but I am getting to the really interesting parts in the next few days.  I want to continue writing this blog daily.  It is a new routine for me so bear with me.  Please leave me your feedback and let me know what you think.  I can accept constructive criticism however please leave really rude comments to yourself.  This is not the easiest thing I have ever done and I am a gentle soul J  Thank you all.

Moving out of New England

Are you enjoying my story so far.  If so please leave a comment or click interesting button or such.  Thanks again

Of course John’s job was in state but still far away.  I can tell you countless times he had plans to pick up Mads and couldn’t.  I had to be the bearer of this bad news to Mads which always ended in consoling him.  I never bad mouthed his father and at times I myself took the blame for his dad’s inability to have Mads visit, hind sight I probably should not have but again no regrets.  He finally caught up slowly but surely with his child support; and mine and John’s relationship was able to come around after some time.  We mended things back to our normal status of friendship, and getting along for Mads benefit. 

Along the way my relationship with Thor blossomed and we got engaged (technically we were engaged a year into our relationship but when he left I gave him the ring back) finally after about 4 years with the one year interlude.  We were also missing the Mid Atlantic.  There is one thing you need to know about New Englanders, they are very difficult to foster friendship with.  My best way of explaining this phenomenon is, they are great at face value ex: you say hi in the store, you blew out your tire on the side of the road they are the first to stop and help with a smile; but getting a friendship beyond these little occurrences is pretty difficult.  Apparently once you do you are there forever (which I have found to be true, I have meet some of my best life friends here).  We were all missing family which was so distant we barely saw them.  So here we were and our decision was to put the house on the market and move back.  Yes John was still here but we love it here and had many friends, and figured that would be an excuse for us to continue to travel up here.  After so long the trips started to not seem so bad.  We went back to Mid Atlantic, sold our house then quickly realized that we had to go back to New England.  So we bought another home that was even closer to the mountains, and in the middle of umm bumble**** (nowhere): We loved it! 

Ok well I am going to end here for today but I am getting to the really interesting parts in the next few days.  I want to continue writing this blog daily.  It is a new routine for me so bear with me.  Please leave me your feedback and let me know what you think.  I can accept constructive criticism however please leave really rude comments to yourself.  This is not the easiest thing I have ever done and I am a gentle soul J  Thank you all.

Taking on New England...On My Own

Well after leaving off yesterday I finally realized why I am doing this.  So far it does help I am feeling better.  Reading my blog my first one was very emotional which I expected.  That may come and go as this blog moves on.  Thank you everyone who is taking your time to read my story really means a lot.  Ok now as I was saying…..

Nearly a year after moving to New England in the late fall early winter I made a bold move: I broke things off with Thor and he moved back to Mid Atlantic region. I did this because I felt like I needed to find out who I was! I needed to be single and I thought that would increase my confidence and self esteem. I was with a man off and on since 12 years old! I had my son, living far away from family and most of my friends. This time for me was a test of me for me to find me. To strengthen my relationship with my son (I saw it as me and him versus the world.) This was the way I could test myself to find out if I really loved Thor.  I was wondering if I needed him financially; or if I was actually too weak to be alone without an adult partner. The only comforts I had was Mads who was about 6, living a dream, and an affordable home that I actually owned in mid 20's. I had the career of Nursing and was able to find a niche in Homecare Nursing because it gave me a flexible schedule and was able to work from home to start and finish my day. I loved it. I put my volunteerism on hold for a cheap local pass that I was able to buy for both myself and Mads. Volunteering would have taken up too many weekends: that was the only time I had to go and play; and we did it together. I had a great time by myself with him. We even bought a dog which we never had. I did miss Thor so much and Mads knew it he seemed to miss him too but didn't talk about it much. A few months apart subsequently we started seeing each other every once in a while (a few nights every month or two). We would talk at night almost every night after Mads went to sleep. I kept Mads in the loop as much as if felt a six to seven year old should be.

During that time John abruptly quit his job. This happened right around summer time. He lost his insurance for Mads which I picked up, he stopped paying child support...just didn't have it but told me. I made the dumb decision of inviting him up for this summer while school was out to continue to have his time with Mads rather than having him go to a daycare, camp, or miscellaneous babysitter for temporary time. I had 3 bedrooms and offered for him to bring in his bed for 3rd room but ended up on the couch. This was so stupid of me, I make a point not to regret and if I did, this would be one; but instead learned that I did divorce that man for a reason. He had just graduated with his bachelor’s degree in computer information technology. I offered for him to look for jobs up here (he had no family to speak other than Mads and us) to potentially relocate to be closer to Mads. I truly believe that children need both parents in their lives. This ended bad because after spending from June to September I did not see him leave the house relied entirely on applying online.  He had no income coming in I paid for all the food, utilities (my electric bill tripled during that time due to his massive computer and usage) all to try to help him be closer to his son. I just couldn't stand to continue to wake up with him on my couch or on the computer. I gave him a week to find a place and get out. He did and went back to Mid Atlantic.  The next thing I know about 2 weeks later, John calls me up to request he stay at my house for an interview he finally got up here; and he got the job.  Still he had no money so he asked me if he come back and stays at my house again.  I said yes through grit teeth, laid down some ground rules, and told him that no matter what he only had 2 weeks there (which was too long for me but I dealt with it, we got by).

Here I was alone again and loving it. I still talked to Thor and saw him when I made a trip to Mid Atlantic. I had a couple of flings, and guess what. I finally realized this: I loved Thor and wanted him to be my husband and was 100% sure that I was with him because my heart needed him and nothing else. I also felt he was a great role model for my son.  By November he was back which gave us a one year hiatus.

Thanks to all that are reading my blog.  I would love to know your feedback please leave a comment.  I will be posting more interesting parts of the story as time goes on.  Please feel free to ask questions.  Remember I am a gentle soul so I can accept any constructive critisism but no rude comments please.  Thank you all and enjoy.

A real introduction

Well you are going to have to excuse me I am just warming up here. This is a very new concept to me and I am not yet comfortable telling the story as me so I am going to do some introductions so that I may refer to people as a name rather husband, son, ex-husband.  I will not change details of occurrences’ and yes my life can be that crazy!  I also used to write lots of poetry and this is my first go at some short stories. I really hope to gain a following and some support as we all need some of that. 
 

Let’s start with introduction you to my family :)

Myself in my 30's: Juliana

Husband in his 30's (of almost 5 years together for almost 9 years since Mads was 4): Thor

Son almost 14 starting High School: Mads

Ex-Husband (my son's father previously married for 2 years together for 6): John

Anyone else will be introduced along the way.

 We all now live in New England originally from Mid-Atlantic States. The three of us moved here after I graduated from nursing school to start my new career in new surroundings which was a dream of mine to be here. When I was younger we used to vacation here and I wanted nothing more than to live in the peaceful serene surroundings of New England. I am an avid winter sports enthusiast so is Thor and we wanted Mads to have as much opportunity as possible to be outdoorsy. I grew up less than a 5 minute walk to the beach and Atlantic Ocean in a resort city. Although I came up here with a career Thor had to leave his behind because he was in the Union and that is just not big where we live and work for that was scarce. I volunteer at a local mountain that gives us all a season pass for winter snow riding (I am a huge Warren Miller fan). From the beginning I have been trying to instill into Mads my sense of love for the outdoors, which has made me hit a brick wall at times. Turns out, Mads is much happier staying inside watching youtube, and playing video games.

I meet Thor while I was waitressing in a bar and he was trying to cure a toothache. This was mere months after I left John. When we met we were almost immediately in love. I gravitated to him for some reason because it was not like me: I wasn’t looking for love; but he was playing a bar game with another dude sitting next to him. I came up to him to ask what they were doing. Ironically I gave my number to both men. I only wanted to hear back from Thor but the other one returned the call first. Turned out that man was a police officer and really freaked me out when he came to my house in his police fatigues fully loaded with gun and all, the last time I saw him! About a week later Thor called, I had almost given up hope. We went out and hit things off right away. He had me laughing all night; we even managed to spend the night together without "sleeping" with each other. The next day we went to a park with my young Mads and had an even greater time. From then on we were almost inseparable.  I was in the last few weeks of my first semester of nursing school. I was going through a lot of turmoil with school demands regarding my newly separated status with John and my family who just had to get involved.  Thor gave me strength to get through physically, emotionally and financially that helped me get my grades back on track.

I met John in high school and we were great friends before our relationship. We experienced lots of first together. We were young when we had Mads both under 20 he was finishing his senior year in high school when I got pregnant and I had graduated a half year prior. I was going to College at the time and was not into it and just stopped going knowing no better than to withdrawal which I later had to fix to even get into nursing school. I was very happy about having a baby, but we decided not to get married right away. Instead we waited and then got married. To this day I feel as though I only married him for the following reasons: being young afraid now I had a child I would never get another man, and pressure because he was Mads father. We were already not even sleeping together in any sense of the word. I was in my young 20's and felt like I had made a huge mistake and started on my path to Registered Nursing because I knew that I would never be with him forever and needed to make something of myself. I didn't want to risk becoming a single mother with qualifications to waitress for the rest of my life; I wanted more for him. Things were kind of dormant during those 2 years. I felt as if I was a single mom anyway: we did not do many things together at all. Physical attraction to him was nonexistent to the point where he really started to disgust me. I went away on a trip with my son camping and met a guy there. We got along really well and spent that trip just hanging out (I did not cheat on my husband). His name was Roger. Roger and I then spent lots of time on the phone for a few weeks then I could not hold on any longer. I went away to spend some time with Roger my family knew and was covering for me, helping me watch Mads (again no physical cheating just friendship but we both really wanted it). Roger gave me what I needed which was confidence in knowing that I could find someone else, and I needed to find someone else because I was not happy; but the idea of being alone scared the crap out of me. I came home from that weekend and finally made John aware of the fact that I was not happy and I needed a divorce. We were actually able to discuss Mads and agreed upon arrangements for him to stay with me and he could see him anytime. There was even a short spurt where we kind of got back together for a day or two (after I met Thor even, Thor and I had a problem and broke up I got back with John out of sympathy and quickly realized that one!)

Mads and Thor really hit things off in the beginning. Their relationship was almost instantaneously strong. Mads unprovoked started calling Thor, Dad. John gained wind of that and put a quick end to it and this action started to invert Mads feelings towards Thor as wrong, and something he wasn't allowed to do by John. His father's actions of not allowing their relationship continue to blossom, develop, mature and beautify like it should: He put a gag on that!  Despite this Mads and Thor continued to grow but he never called him Dad again.

We all worked hard for years to keep the family as normal (or what we thought should be normal). Almost every Christmas was spent with John sleeping over either himself or if he had a girlfriend she would come too. Overnight visits would happen during holidays or just to visit; especially after we moved to New England.  All of us (except Mads who we all did it for) were a bit uncomfortable but it always worked without incident. Thor felt a saint for doing this, John felt entitled to this, and I felt just plain old weird and Switzerland like throughout the process: each wearing an explicit poker face. Mads just loved this and for that I did too. It was probably least difficult for me. Thor may have said things in bed John could have heard if he really tried that were less than desiderate, especially if he heard it. We worked out everything even moving away from each other without courts' arbitration.