Taking on New England...On My Own

Well after leaving off yesterday I finally realized why I am doing this.  So far it does help I am feeling better.  Reading my blog my first one was very emotional which I expected.  That may come and go as this blog moves on.  Thank you everyone who is taking your time to read my story really means a lot.  Ok now as I was saying…..

Nearly a year after moving to New England in the late fall early winter I made a bold move: I broke things off with Thor and he moved back to Mid Atlantic region. I did this because I felt like I needed to find out who I was! I needed to be single and I thought that would increase my confidence and self esteem. I was with a man off and on since 12 years old! I had my son, living far away from family and most of my friends. This time for me was a test of me for me to find me. To strengthen my relationship with my son (I saw it as me and him versus the world.) This was the way I could test myself to find out if I really loved Thor.  I was wondering if I needed him financially; or if I was actually too weak to be alone without an adult partner. The only comforts I had was Mads who was about 6, living a dream, and an affordable home that I actually owned in mid 20's. I had the career of Nursing and was able to find a niche in Homecare Nursing because it gave me a flexible schedule and was able to work from home to start and finish my day. I loved it. I put my volunteerism on hold for a cheap local pass that I was able to buy for both myself and Mads. Volunteering would have taken up too many weekends: that was the only time I had to go and play; and we did it together. I had a great time by myself with him. We even bought a dog which we never had. I did miss Thor so much and Mads knew it he seemed to miss him too but didn't talk about it much. A few months apart subsequently we started seeing each other every once in a while (a few nights every month or two). We would talk at night almost every night after Mads went to sleep. I kept Mads in the loop as much as if felt a six to seven year old should be.

During that time John abruptly quit his job. This happened right around summer time. He lost his insurance for Mads which I picked up, he stopped paying child support...just didn't have it but told me. I made the dumb decision of inviting him up for this summer while school was out to continue to have his time with Mads rather than having him go to a daycare, camp, or miscellaneous babysitter for temporary time. I had 3 bedrooms and offered for him to bring in his bed for 3rd room but ended up on the couch. This was so stupid of me, I make a point not to regret and if I did, this would be one; but instead learned that I did divorce that man for a reason. He had just graduated with his bachelor’s degree in computer information technology. I offered for him to look for jobs up here (he had no family to speak other than Mads and us) to potentially relocate to be closer to Mads. I truly believe that children need both parents in their lives. This ended bad because after spending from June to September I did not see him leave the house relied entirely on applying online.  He had no income coming in I paid for all the food, utilities (my electric bill tripled during that time due to his massive computer and usage) all to try to help him be closer to his son. I just couldn't stand to continue to wake up with him on my couch or on the computer. I gave him a week to find a place and get out. He did and went back to Mid Atlantic.  The next thing I know about 2 weeks later, John calls me up to request he stay at my house for an interview he finally got up here; and he got the job.  Still he had no money so he asked me if he come back and stays at my house again.  I said yes through grit teeth, laid down some ground rules, and told him that no matter what he only had 2 weeks there (which was too long for me but I dealt with it, we got by).

Here I was alone again and loving it. I still talked to Thor and saw him when I made a trip to Mid Atlantic. I had a couple of flings, and guess what. I finally realized this: I loved Thor and wanted him to be my husband and was 100% sure that I was with him because my heart needed him and nothing else. I also felt he was a great role model for my son.  By November he was back which gave us a one year hiatus.

Thanks to all that are reading my blog.  I would love to know your feedback please leave a comment.  I will be posting more interesting parts of the story as time goes on.  Please feel free to ask questions.  Remember I am a gentle soul so I can accept any constructive critisism but no rude comments please.  Thank you all and enjoy.

A real introduction

Well you are going to have to excuse me I am just warming up here. This is a very new concept to me and I am not yet comfortable telling the story as me so I am going to do some introductions so that I may refer to people as a name rather husband, son, ex-husband.  I will not change details of occurrences’ and yes my life can be that crazy!  I also used to write lots of poetry and this is my first go at some short stories. I really hope to gain a following and some support as we all need some of that. 
 

Let’s start with introduction you to my family :)

Myself in my 30's: Juliana

Husband in his 30's (of almost 5 years together for almost 9 years since Mads was 4): Thor

Son almost 14 starting High School: Mads

Ex-Husband (my son's father previously married for 2 years together for 6): John

Anyone else will be introduced along the way.

 We all now live in New England originally from Mid-Atlantic States. The three of us moved here after I graduated from nursing school to start my new career in new surroundings which was a dream of mine to be here. When I was younger we used to vacation here and I wanted nothing more than to live in the peaceful serene surroundings of New England. I am an avid winter sports enthusiast so is Thor and we wanted Mads to have as much opportunity as possible to be outdoorsy. I grew up less than a 5 minute walk to the beach and Atlantic Ocean in a resort city. Although I came up here with a career Thor had to leave his behind because he was in the Union and that is just not big where we live and work for that was scarce. I volunteer at a local mountain that gives us all a season pass for winter snow riding (I am a huge Warren Miller fan). From the beginning I have been trying to instill into Mads my sense of love for the outdoors, which has made me hit a brick wall at times. Turns out, Mads is much happier staying inside watching youtube, and playing video games.

I meet Thor while I was waitressing in a bar and he was trying to cure a toothache. This was mere months after I left John. When we met we were almost immediately in love. I gravitated to him for some reason because it was not like me: I wasn’t looking for love; but he was playing a bar game with another dude sitting next to him. I came up to him to ask what they were doing. Ironically I gave my number to both men. I only wanted to hear back from Thor but the other one returned the call first. Turned out that man was a police officer and really freaked me out when he came to my house in his police fatigues fully loaded with gun and all, the last time I saw him! About a week later Thor called, I had almost given up hope. We went out and hit things off right away. He had me laughing all night; we even managed to spend the night together without "sleeping" with each other. The next day we went to a park with my young Mads and had an even greater time. From then on we were almost inseparable.  I was in the last few weeks of my first semester of nursing school. I was going through a lot of turmoil with school demands regarding my newly separated status with John and my family who just had to get involved.  Thor gave me strength to get through physically, emotionally and financially that helped me get my grades back on track.

I met John in high school and we were great friends before our relationship. We experienced lots of first together. We were young when we had Mads both under 20 he was finishing his senior year in high school when I got pregnant and I had graduated a half year prior. I was going to College at the time and was not into it and just stopped going knowing no better than to withdrawal which I later had to fix to even get into nursing school. I was very happy about having a baby, but we decided not to get married right away. Instead we waited and then got married. To this day I feel as though I only married him for the following reasons: being young afraid now I had a child I would never get another man, and pressure because he was Mads father. We were already not even sleeping together in any sense of the word. I was in my young 20's and felt like I had made a huge mistake and started on my path to Registered Nursing because I knew that I would never be with him forever and needed to make something of myself. I didn't want to risk becoming a single mother with qualifications to waitress for the rest of my life; I wanted more for him. Things were kind of dormant during those 2 years. I felt as if I was a single mom anyway: we did not do many things together at all. Physical attraction to him was nonexistent to the point where he really started to disgust me. I went away on a trip with my son camping and met a guy there. We got along really well and spent that trip just hanging out (I did not cheat on my husband). His name was Roger. Roger and I then spent lots of time on the phone for a few weeks then I could not hold on any longer. I went away to spend some time with Roger my family knew and was covering for me, helping me watch Mads (again no physical cheating just friendship but we both really wanted it). Roger gave me what I needed which was confidence in knowing that I could find someone else, and I needed to find someone else because I was not happy; but the idea of being alone scared the crap out of me. I came home from that weekend and finally made John aware of the fact that I was not happy and I needed a divorce. We were actually able to discuss Mads and agreed upon arrangements for him to stay with me and he could see him anytime. There was even a short spurt where we kind of got back together for a day or two (after I met Thor even, Thor and I had a problem and broke up I got back with John out of sympathy and quickly realized that one!)

Mads and Thor really hit things off in the beginning. Their relationship was almost instantaneously strong. Mads unprovoked started calling Thor, Dad. John gained wind of that and put a quick end to it and this action started to invert Mads feelings towards Thor as wrong, and something he wasn't allowed to do by John. His father's actions of not allowing their relationship continue to blossom, develop, mature and beautify like it should: He put a gag on that!  Despite this Mads and Thor continued to grow but he never called him Dad again.

We all worked hard for years to keep the family as normal (or what we thought should be normal). Almost every Christmas was spent with John sleeping over either himself or if he had a girlfriend she would come too. Overnight visits would happen during holidays or just to visit; especially after we moved to New England.  All of us (except Mads who we all did it for) were a bit uncomfortable but it always worked without incident. Thor felt a saint for doing this, John felt entitled to this, and I felt just plain old weird and Switzerland like throughout the process: each wearing an explicit poker face. Mads just loved this and for that I did too. It was probably least difficult for me. Thor may have said things in bed John could have heard if he really tried that were less than desiderate, especially if he heard it. We worked out everything even moving away from each other without courts' arbitration.

First Mother's LIL Helper Introduction

This is my first go at blogging. Let me tell you a little about myself. First of all I am a wife and mother of a teenager.  Well see that’s the thing because I have not been getting along well with my son and it is breaking my heart. You see his father and I divorced 8 or 9 years ago. I was a young mom having my son at age 19 and I was one of the few young moms who saw becoming a mother as a reason to make my life better so I returned to school when he was 3 and successfully completed and am now a Registered Nurse. He used to live with me until a year in a half ago when some horrible things went down (that I plan on explaining later). I still retain custody of him and this is something his father and I did without the courts. I have been struggling with his father on custody ever since. This summer was supposed to be my time with him when yesterday erupted. You see his father and I have been communicating strictly with email because found that we would just argue over the phone. Well his father called me and threatened me two days ago and stated that next year I won't have quite so much time with my son because I was unable to get my son to another state to see his grandparents (on my side). He was still going to go down but it would only be for approx a week instead the two or more weeks like he wanted. I felt that a week was plenty of time to spend and since a year in a half ago I have only been able to see my son on holidays and summer which adds up to approx 2 months out of the year and that is just not enough. Well needless to say this just put my fragile personality over the edge. My ex also accused me of putting my son last behind me and my husband’s needs which really hurt. I called my son down to talk and he said that he did not feel that way about me. Well let’s just say some hurtful things were said and that made the day on edge. So we watched a movie but barely spoke the rest of the night. Then yesterday came. We barely spoke in the morning, my husband and I ran out to the store and decided that when I came back I needed to straighten things out with my son so I called him out to talk. Well this didn't work out well. He got so frustrated and angry that he started crying. Then he called his father and got picked up. Now my summer with him is over and I feel so hurt and pains in my heart sooooo bad that I can't deal with it. I started this blog to try to help me cope with my difficult situation and as I said before there is more to this story which I just can't get into right now. I just want my son back right now. My heart hurts :(