Well after leaving off yesterday I finally realized why I am doing this. So far it does help I am feeling better. Reading my blog my first one was very emotional which I expected. That may come and go as this blog moves on. Thank you everyone who is taking your time to read my story really means a lot. Ok now as I was saying…..
Nearly a year after moving to New England in the late fall early winter I made a bold move: I broke things off with Thor and he moved back to Mid Atlantic region. I did this because I felt like I needed to find out who I was! I needed to be single and I thought that would increase my confidence and self esteem. I was with a man off and on since 12 years old! I had my son, living far away from family and most of my friends. This time for me was a test of me for me to find me. To strengthen my relationship with my son (I saw it as me and him versus the world.) This was the way I could test myself to find out if I really loved Thor. I was wondering if I needed him financially; or if I was actually too weak to be alone without an adult partner. The only comforts I had was Mads who was about 6, living a dream, and an affordable home that I actually owned in mid 20's. I had the career of Nursing and was able to find a niche in Homecare Nursing because it gave me a flexible schedule and was able to work from home to start and finish my day. I loved it. I put my volunteerism on hold for a cheap local pass that I was able to buy for both myself and Mads. Volunteering would have taken up too many weekends: that was the only time I had to go and play; and we did it together. I had a great time by myself with him. We even bought a dog which we never had. I did miss Thor so much and Mads knew it he seemed to miss him too but didn't talk about it much. A few months apart subsequently we started seeing each other every once in a while (a few nights every month or two). We would talk at night almost every night after Mads went to sleep. I kept Mads in the loop as much as if felt a six to seven year old should be.
During that time John abruptly quit his job. This happened right around summer time. He lost his insurance for Mads which I picked up, he stopped paying child support...just didn't have it but told me. I made the dumb decision of inviting him up for this summer while school was out to continue to have his time with Mads rather than having him go to a daycare, camp, or miscellaneous babysitter for temporary time. I had 3 bedrooms and offered for him to bring in his bed for 3rd room but ended up on the couch. This was so stupid of me, I make a point not to regret and if I did, this would be one; but instead learned that I did divorce that man for a reason. He had just graduated with his bachelor’s degree in computer information technology. I offered for him to look for jobs up here (he had no family to speak other than Mads and us) to potentially relocate to be closer to Mads. I truly believe that children need both parents in their lives. This ended bad because after spending from June to September I did not see him leave the house relied entirely on applying online. He had no income coming in I paid for all the food, utilities (my electric bill tripled during that time due to his massive computer and usage) all to try to help him be closer to his son. I just couldn't stand to continue to wake up with him on my couch or on the computer. I gave him a week to find a place and get out. He did and went back to Mid Atlantic. The next thing I know about 2 weeks later, John calls me up to request he stay at my house for an interview he finally got up here; and he got the job. Still he had no money so he asked me if he come back and stays at my house again. I said yes through grit teeth, laid down some ground rules, and told him that no matter what he only had 2 weeks there (which was too long for me but I dealt with it, we got by).
Here I was alone again and loving it. I still talked to Thor and saw him when I made a trip to Mid Atlantic. I had a couple of flings, and guess what. I finally realized this: I loved Thor and wanted him to be my husband and was 100% sure that I was with him because my heart needed him and nothing else. I also felt he was a great role model for my son. By November he was back which gave us a one year hiatus.
Thanks to all that are reading my blog. I would love to know your feedback please leave a comment. I will be posting more interesting parts of the story as time goes on. Please feel free to ask questions. Remember I am a gentle soul so I can accept any constructive critisism but no rude comments please. Thank you all and enjoy.
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